Does What I Have to Say Even Matter?

I have struggled with expressing my thoughts for as long as I can remember. As a little girl I would dread social events my mom would drag me to or host and wish I could just be invisible. Of course, I don't think I was born this way, trauma and witnessing abuse played a part, but that topic is for a different day. Now as an adult, I'm a follower of Christ and yet I still struggle with owning my voice. I have grown by leaps and bounds by the grace of God but I still find myself asking "Does what I have to say even matter?" I'm a child of God. I am loved. I am chosen. Believe me, I have declared it all but there is still a part of me that holds back. Connection and authenticity is what I long for and desire but they are the things I struggle the most with.

So, what am I going to do about it?

I am going to DO IT ANYWAY. What does that mean? Since the pandemic I think we have all had to grieve what has been lost, been given the opportunity to soul search and really assess our lives in a unique way I don't think we could have any other way. Now that we are in 2021 I have made the decision that I do not want to let my fear hold me back any longer so I am going to start the blog I have had on my heart for over FOUR years but have been too afraid to start. I am going to speak up even if my voice is shaking and what comes out isn't as eloquent as I had imagined. I am going to reach out to people even if it is awkward at first.

The other night I was watching American Idol (I am a firm believer that God can speak through anything and anyone if we are listening) and the lead singer of Incubus, Brandon Boyd, was mentoring one of the contestants that was going to sing a duet with him. The contestant is talented and has a great voice but struggles with self doubt and fear and Boyd asked him "What would you do if you weren't afraid?." This question struck me and I began to think of all the things I would do if I wasn't afraid. Many times I have waited for the feeling of fear to leave before I could step out and do something...so essentially I'd end up doing nothing because the feeling never went away. I am realizing that I need to make the decision to step out and do it even if I am afraid and allow God to take care of the rest. Can't God just take away the fear? Yes, but I think we have been given the authority of Christ to declare and DO even if the feeling of fear doesn't disappear and trust that the more we step out the more power we have over fear.

So will you step out with me? What is something you have allowed fear to hold you back from? It doesn't have to be profound or big, it could be calling up an old friend. Ask God to show you and I dare you to step out in faith!